To my ex, X,
This letter has been long overdue -- I'm sure you'll probably read this drunk, so please take a shot for me. But here it is, you gave me the a-okay to write about you, so if I'm going to write about you publicly, might as well address it to you directly.
You've inspired so much of my writing, I can see it now more than ever.
This letter isn't meant to bash on you, it isn't meant to air out our dirty laundry, but it's definitely meant to be a part of the larger conversation about relationships, love, and endings.
Our relationship was anything but ordinary. It evolved through mutual trust, respect, and friendship. Our love was anything but perfect but all we ever needed. It's indescribable, some things just can't be said, they just need to be felt. And finally, our ending came and left, but the love and whatever type of relationship we do have, remains.
I hope you're doing good, I hope you have a smile on your face, and I hope you're able to tackle any obstacle life throws at you. I wish no malice upon you -- not matter how much hurt and anger I might feel.
I thought I would marry you, I thought I would have your children, and I thought I would die old with you -- but like I said -- I thought. Shit, I still might -- but let's not think about that right now.
Only you and I know what happened, how we feel about it all, and how we continue to be there for one another -- regardless of all the fucked up shit we've done to one another till this point.
But what I will tell you -- is something I haven't been able to tell you since our break up. It's everything I've learned about myself, us, and others-- without you.
I didn't give myself enough credit when I was with you. I did everything in my power to show you I loved you and at the end of it, I felt I wasn't good enough. But you know what I am good enough, I'm great enough.
I didn't give you enough credit. I can talk a looooooot of shit -- But one thing I can't say is that you saw me for the person I really am, and still decided to love me at the end of it all. Your intentions with me, my mind, and my body were pure. Your intentions were never bad, you were different, you are different. It's rare to find someone who wants to settle at this age -- it's mind blowing. I feel like so many people like the "idea" of me, but you -- you actually just liked me. It's dope. I hope you know that niggas really aint shit -- stay being different, don't become the asshole. You were never like that, that's not you. Work on what you know you have to work on and you're golden.
Maybe there is a reason we could never get it right. You were never good at showing your emotions and I was never good at hiding mine.
I know you are struggling, and I want you to know that I am so proud of you. Struggling means you are fighting, and fighting just proves how strong you are and that you are trying. I know this struggle isn’t easy for you, and I wish I could tell you how proud I am of you.
I wish I could be there to help you. I feel so guilty that I can’t be. I feel selfish for wanting to make myself happy and comfortable by keeping my distance from you, even though I know you’re hurting. I wish I could wrap my arms around you and squeeze you hard enough for you to believe you’re not falling apart.
I hope somebody has told you they are proud of you.
So please forgive me for trying to keep myself safe. I will always love you, I will always care for and about you, but I cannot always be there for you. It has taken me a long time, but you are the one who made me realize that I need to be there for myself, too, and so this time, I am going to be.
Never change X...
Love always,
Jocelyn H.
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