Midnight struck and I found myself seated in the window seat of an Airbus 320 in route to Guatemala City. It was July 15, 2016 and Los Angeles never looked so beautiful. My home for over 21 years was at the grip of my hands and I was about to depart from it all, and explore another part of the world that was so unfamiliar to me.
A part of me was scared shitless considering my flying phobia, the fear of heights and the thought of death. Another part of me was beyond thrilled to return to my motherland -- after neglecting it for over 10 years. And finally, another part of me felt miserable knowing I'd leave certain people behind with the chance of coming back to broken promises, friendships, and hope.
In the back of my mind I knew this departure would do more than wonders for me. It was well needed, considering all the chaos happening in my life at that time. Change had occurred all around me and I needed to get away from it all. It was like a new beginning, kind of -- it was a reset to my alarm clocks. But the fear of missing out on memories (fomo) and the idea of knowing things would be completely different when I came back overcame any type of excitement I had for this 2 week trip.
I left Los Angeles without saying goodbye ...
I left this city with the intentions of coming back a better me. I wanted to come back with a stronger mindset and a mended heart. I wanted to forget everything and anything but a part of me felt like I was running away from my problems, was I?
My mind was racing back and fourth and all I could do was panic and sit still. The airplane began to move and it quickly accelerated at a high velocity. My mind was racing at the same speed. I felt the plane detach from the ground and just like that -- so was I. Here I was -- a thousand + feet off the ground detached from everything that had been holding me down. I was free. I was above the clouds.
I glanced at the window and saw the Los Angeles lights turn into little specks of gold. I looked above and realized I was staring at the moon from such a short distance. I was gone.
What this journey would do at this point was a mystery. What this journey would teach me would be more than I would have ever imagined.
I departed from everything I thought mattered. I departed from the routines, the comfort, and the usual.
An open letter to my ex, X.
To my ex, X,
This letter has been long overdue -- I'm sure you'll probably read this drunk, so please take a shot for me. But here it is, you gave me the a-okay to write about you, so if I'm going to write about you publicly, might as well address it to you directly.
You've inspired so much of my writing, I can see it now more than ever.
This letter isn't meant to bash on you, it isn't meant to air out our dirty laundry, but it's definitely meant to be a part of the larger conversation about relationships, love, and endings.
Our relationship was anything but ordinary. It evolved through mutual trust, respect, and friendship. Our love was anything but perfect but all we ever needed. It's indescribable, some things just can't be said, they just need to be felt. And finally, our ending came and left, but the love and whatever type of relationship we do have, remains.
I hope you're doing good, I hope you have a smile on your face, and I hope you're able to tackle any obstacle life throws at you. I wish no malice upon you -- not matter how much hurt and anger I might feel.
I thought I would marry you, I thought I would have your children, and I thought I would die old with you -- but like I said -- I thought. Shit, I still might -- but let's not think about that right now.
Only you and I know what happened, how we feel about it all, and how we continue to be there for one another -- regardless of all the fucked up shit we've done to one another till this point.
But what I will tell you -- is something I haven't been able to tell you since our break up. It's everything I've learned about myself, us, and others-- without you.
I didn't give myself enough credit when I was with you. I did everything in my power to show you I loved you and at the end of it, I felt I wasn't good enough. But you know what I am good enough, I'm great enough.
I didn't give you enough credit. I can talk a looooooot of shit -- But one thing I can't say is that you saw me for the person I really am, and still decided to love me at the end of it all. Your intentions with me, my mind, and my body were pure. Your intentions were never bad, you were different, you are different. It's rare to find someone who wants to settle at this age -- it's mind blowing. I feel like so many people like the "idea" of me, but you -- you actually just liked me. It's dope. I hope you know that niggas really aint shit -- stay being different, don't become the asshole. You were never like that, that's not you. Work on what you know you have to work on and you're golden.
Maybe there is a reason we could never get it right. You were never good at showing your emotions and I was never good at hiding mine.
I know you are struggling, and I want you to know that I am so proud of you. Struggling means you are fighting, and fighting just proves how strong you are and that you are trying. I know this struggle isn’t easy for you, and I wish I could tell you how proud I am of you.
I wish I could be there to help you. I feel so guilty that I can’t be. I feel selfish for wanting to make myself happy and comfortable by keeping my distance from you, even though I know you’re hurting. I wish I could wrap my arms around you and squeeze you hard enough for you to believe you’re not falling apart.
I hope somebody has told you they are proud of you.
So please forgive me for trying to keep myself safe. I will always love you, I will always care for and about you, but I cannot always be there for you. It has taken me a long time, but you are the one who made me realize that I need to be there for myself, too, and so this time, I am going to be.
Never change X...
Love always,
Jocelyn H.
The Comfort
As humans, being comfortable has to be one of the most amazing feelings in the world. That means you've grown accustomed to your surroundings, to people, and are in a state where you can be yourself. Everyone is on a mission to feel like that.
When you meet someone and feel the connection you can tell if you're going to be comfortable with them from the get-go. Whether you're guarded, shy, reserved, or quiet, there's no denying someone can make you feel comfortable. Some people can just make the real you come out quicker than others.
Comfort can also be one of the worst things out there. Comfort leads to settling. Sometimes we get so accustomed to feelings, situations, routines and expectations that they drift us away from how we should really be treated or creates fear in never wanting things to be different.
We hold on because we are scared to feel uncomfortable. We hold on to places, people, habits, and objects because that's all we've known. How disruptive can that be? How numb can that feel? How lifeless does it seem?
My first real uncomfortable experience was when I went away to college. Who knew what 23 miles of distance from what you've known your whole life can do to a person. I felt alone, lost, and discouraged. A ridiculous amount of new faces and a lot of new experiences. When you come from a town where everyone knowns everyone, new faces are a breath of fresh air. It was rough, not going to lie. A lot of days where spent contemplating if I made the right decision. I was yearning to be sourounded by comfort -- from what I knew was my safe space. The downside to a new environment is all the bullshit you have to experience to find your home in all the chaos. Meeting new people also leads to meeting a lot of shallow, ignorant, and deceiving people. But that's all a part of learning process. It's been 3 years since then and as I reflect, leaving was one of the best things I've ever decided to do. I met amazing people from all parts of the county and the world. They all brought their ideas, values, and hearts to the table. Because of them I was able to shift paradigms and view life from a different lens. The growth I received is priceless.
But here I am now. Back to the place I ran away from. Learning to find a home in the space that isn't my home anymore. To the people I desired comfort from when I left are no longer here to comfort me. So where do I go from here? I left because I yearned for new experiences but now I have to make new experiences in a place full of old memories.
I am trying my hardest to let go of places, people, habits and objects that I've come accustomed to. To the people that stick by me -- the amount of appreciation and gratitude is unmeasurable. Thank you for holding me down. To the people I chose to spend my time with now -- thank you for bringing all types of new vibes to the table. To the people I have yet to meet -- I look forward to seeing what experiences and lessons you bring in my life. To the people who are not in my life anymore -- you are a blessing in disguise.
I end with something a dear friend of mine told me today, "Honestly, if you can be fucking comfortable being alone and content with the idea of being alone in your own thoughts, which is the scariest shit ever, you can handle anything and it's then that you know your value and what you want in people. Fuck settling". What a dope opinion. A lot of truth in that statement.
I share this advice with everyone else. Don't be afraid to leave what you've known forever for the fear of believing something as great won't ever happen again. Be okay with new situations and settings. The process is worth more than the outcome.
Peace and love y'all,
Jocelyn Hernandez.
When you meet someone and feel the connection you can tell if you're going to be comfortable with them from the get-go. Whether you're guarded, shy, reserved, or quiet, there's no denying someone can make you feel comfortable. Some people can just make the real you come out quicker than others.
Comfort can also be one of the worst things out there. Comfort leads to settling. Sometimes we get so accustomed to feelings, situations, routines and expectations that they drift us away from how we should really be treated or creates fear in never wanting things to be different.
We hold on because we are scared to feel uncomfortable. We hold on to places, people, habits, and objects because that's all we've known. How disruptive can that be? How numb can that feel? How lifeless does it seem?
My first real uncomfortable experience was when I went away to college. Who knew what 23 miles of distance from what you've known your whole life can do to a person. I felt alone, lost, and discouraged. A ridiculous amount of new faces and a lot of new experiences. When you come from a town where everyone knowns everyone, new faces are a breath of fresh air. It was rough, not going to lie. A lot of days where spent contemplating if I made the right decision. I was yearning to be sourounded by comfort -- from what I knew was my safe space. The downside to a new environment is all the bullshit you have to experience to find your home in all the chaos. Meeting new people also leads to meeting a lot of shallow, ignorant, and deceiving people. But that's all a part of learning process. It's been 3 years since then and as I reflect, leaving was one of the best things I've ever decided to do. I met amazing people from all parts of the county and the world. They all brought their ideas, values, and hearts to the table. Because of them I was able to shift paradigms and view life from a different lens. The growth I received is priceless.
But here I am now. Back to the place I ran away from. Learning to find a home in the space that isn't my home anymore. To the people I desired comfort from when I left are no longer here to comfort me. So where do I go from here? I left because I yearned for new experiences but now I have to make new experiences in a place full of old memories.
I am trying my hardest to let go of places, people, habits and objects that I've come accustomed to. To the people that stick by me -- the amount of appreciation and gratitude is unmeasurable. Thank you for holding me down. To the people I chose to spend my time with now -- thank you for bringing all types of new vibes to the table. To the people I have yet to meet -- I look forward to seeing what experiences and lessons you bring in my life. To the people who are not in my life anymore -- you are a blessing in disguise.
I end with something a dear friend of mine told me today, "Honestly, if you can be fucking comfortable being alone and content with the idea of being alone in your own thoughts, which is the scariest shit ever, you can handle anything and it's then that you know your value and what you want in people. Fuck settling". What a dope opinion. A lot of truth in that statement.
I share this advice with everyone else. Don't be afraid to leave what you've known forever for the fear of believing something as great won't ever happen again. Be okay with new situations and settings. The process is worth more than the outcome.
Peace and love y'all,
Jocelyn Hernandez.
Blank Page
“If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.” ― Woody Allen
Reflection.
See, that's the hard part about life that I'm barely realizing -- shit never goes the way you thought it would. If you would have asked me how I would have pictured my life to be 4 months ago, I would have given you a set-in-stone answer, that I truly believed would have happened. Ask me now, I can't even tell you what tomorrow will look like.
That's a scary feeling. Not knowing what the future holds. It makes me feel uncomfortable. It makes me sad. I guess my greatest attributes: goal oriented, motivated, persistent, relentless -- is also my worst drawback. It hurts... when someone as controlling as me, can't control her own life.
Some things are out of my hands -- and it drives me fucking crazy! A perfectionist in everything I had to learn the hard way (still learning).
Bad transition... Life slapped me in the face.
I got too comfortable. I got too comfortable with my life, with my habits, with my happiness, with the people around me. I liked my routine. I like routine. I like stability.
Leanring.
Being comfortable doesn't allow for progress.
Stability is great, unless it impedes your progression.
Routines are nice, until you feel uninspired.
The lows in your life doesn't define you. How you recover does.
Change.
Learning to be okay with not being in control.
Leanring to be okay with not knowing what tomorrow will look like.
Learning to be okay with trusting God, my God -- who I know has something for me.
Learning to be okay with being okay.
Learning to be okay with me.
Learning to be happy for me.
Learning to be uncomfortable.
Learning to be vulnerable.
Learning to enjoy my own company.
What I've Learned.
There's a good to every bad. I've always thought myself to be a strong person but damn, life can throw some fucked up shit your way. Some days are fine, some days are great... and some days straight suck. But what I have learned is that the pain will go away, eventually... The sun will always shine the next morning (my Mom's motto). I have to work with what I have and what I have is RIGHT now...
For Everyone Else.
We are all going through our own battles. We are all dealing with the pressures of work, family, expectations, friends, and self-love. We all have our demons. But they are OUR demons. So be grateful for all the BS in your life. You need the bad to appreciate the good. Life is a beautiful struggle... Ride that shit to the fullest.
Prayer.
So God, my God... Help me and keep me grounded, keep me where the light is and pick me up when I'm too weak to get up on my own. Amen.
Love,
Jocelyn Hernandez
Reflection.
See, that's the hard part about life that I'm barely realizing -- shit never goes the way you thought it would. If you would have asked me how I would have pictured my life to be 4 months ago, I would have given you a set-in-stone answer, that I truly believed would have happened. Ask me now, I can't even tell you what tomorrow will look like.
That's a scary feeling. Not knowing what the future holds. It makes me feel uncomfortable. It makes me sad. I guess my greatest attributes: goal oriented, motivated, persistent, relentless -- is also my worst drawback. It hurts... when someone as controlling as me, can't control her own life.
Some things are out of my hands -- and it drives me fucking crazy! A perfectionist in everything I had to learn the hard way (still learning).
Bad transition... Life slapped me in the face.
I got too comfortable. I got too comfortable with my life, with my habits, with my happiness, with the people around me. I liked my routine. I like routine. I like stability.
Leanring.
Being comfortable doesn't allow for progress.
Stability is great, unless it impedes your progression.
Routines are nice, until you feel uninspired.
The lows in your life doesn't define you. How you recover does.
Change.
Learning to be okay with not being in control.
Leanring to be okay with not knowing what tomorrow will look like.
Learning to be okay with trusting God, my God -- who I know has something for me.
Learning to be okay with being okay.
Learning to be okay with me.
Learning to be happy for me.
Learning to be uncomfortable.
Learning to be vulnerable.
Learning to enjoy my own company.
What I've Learned.
There's a good to every bad. I've always thought myself to be a strong person but damn, life can throw some fucked up shit your way. Some days are fine, some days are great... and some days straight suck. But what I have learned is that the pain will go away, eventually... The sun will always shine the next morning (my Mom's motto). I have to work with what I have and what I have is RIGHT now...
For Everyone Else.
We are all going through our own battles. We are all dealing with the pressures of work, family, expectations, friends, and self-love. We all have our demons. But they are OUR demons. So be grateful for all the BS in your life. You need the bad to appreciate the good. Life is a beautiful struggle... Ride that shit to the fullest.
Prayer.
So God, my God... Help me and keep me grounded, keep me where the light is and pick me up when I'm too weak to get up on my own. Amen.
Love,
Jocelyn Hernandez
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