Hello beautiful people,
I've been debating whether or not to blog about relationship advice for a while now... Lets face it, relationships are complicated, messy, but beautiful nonetheless. Annnnnd for the most part, they're even more complicated to write about. Everyone handles their relationships or who they invest their time with differently. We're all wired in our own unique way so it's hard on my part to give advice to someone who may not go about things the same way as I.
BUUUT, knowing myself, I had to do it. Some might say "You're only 19, what do you know about love?".. and you know what, yes, I am 19. And if you still think age has to do with how knowledgeable you are at something, something like love, than maybe this explains why you need advice in the first place or why you haven't been successful in past ones.
And no, age isn't just a number. Age really has nothing to do with love. I know 40-year-olds that don't know the first thing about love or how to even treat a woman semi-decently. And no, I'm no love expert either. But I have had my few shares of heart breaks and assholes. Because of this, I know how I'm suppose to be treated, how I'm supposed to be loved, what my worth is, and most importantly I've matured because of my past experiences. So you know what, I think I'm a pretty good candidate for giving advice on relationships.
If you don't want to read what I have to say, than that's perfectly fine. Good bye :)
But if you're curious, than grab some popcorn. This post might be a long one.
First things first:
Let's go back to that
age thing real quick. Remember how I said age has nothing to do with knowing about love? Well what I was really trying to get at was having a good sense of your
self-judgment. That's really one of the FIRST things you should have a firm, and strong sense of before you even start thinking about dating someone. Trust me, once you get this part down, everything will be a lot LESS complicated (things are still going to be complicated, this will just make things a little better). And some might ask, "
what exactly are you talking about when you say 'self-judgment'?"
Well for starters, it's basically knowing WHO you are and WHAT you stand for. Ever heard of that cliché saying "If you're single focus on being a better you instead of looking for someone better than your ex. A better you will attract a better next"? Yes, no? Well there's a great truth to this. I never advise anyone to get in a relationship if they don't even know what's going on with them! How are you going to expect someone else to give you love, respect, trust, and loyalty if you can't even give that to yourself?! Honestly, look at yourself, judge yourself. Not your physical appearance. Really analyze your character, your integrity, yourself. Do you love yourself? Do you respect yourself? Do you have something going for yourself? Are you really capable of committing to someone if you can't commit to yourself? The list goes on.
Now I said age has nothing to do with love, but I also said age isn't just a number. Aging has a lot to do with love. When you age you are exposed to situations where you gain these experiences of really getting to know yourself and worth. Maturity plays a huge role to all this. If you want to attract someone who is willing to give you the world than you have to be able to offer the same to them. IN OTHER WORDS, stop fucking with children. Not literally a child, but person who has a child-state-of-mind. And if you still want to play those games, than don't expect anything more in return. Once you figure yourself out, the right one will come to you. It's easier to pull the weeds out. It's easier to pick apart the bullshitters from the real ones. I guarantee you, this is the first thing you need to get. And it's not easy. So be honest with yourself, do you have that part down?
Let's continue...
Let's get the Facts Straight:
Now let's say you're at this point where you think you found someone who can be a potential girlfriend or boyfriend. They cute, you're able to be yourself around them, and they have everything you're looking for. You need to be real with them.
If you like them, you need to tell them. Waiting is a horrible thing, never wait for the right time, there is never a right time (this goes for breakups too). If you feeling them, you need to show them. Once again, stop with the kid games. We're not in elementary anymore. Stop playing hard to get, seriously, like who does that now a days. GIRLS, stop. We're the worst when it comes to this. "Oh he has to text me first", "he has to call me", "he has to ask me out on a date", blah blah blaaaaaah. If you're feeling the dude, than tell him. Most guys don't even know what's going on in their lives half the time, how do you expect them to know you what's going on through your head? This leads to miscommunication and misinterpretation. You're over here playing hard to get while the dude thinks you don't even like him & VICE VERSA.
And guys, you need to stop acting like ya'll not soft. If you like her, just tell her. WE LIKE THAT SHIT! Trust me. You got her attention, the hard part is over. What's the worst thing she's going to do? Say she doesn't like you? GOOD, if anything that's not even a bad thing. You just saved yourself precious time.
But let's say both of you are in the same page. You both like each other. That's great! Now you need to ask them how serious they feel with being in a relationship. Now obviously this isn't something you ask in the first date.. It does take time. If you have gone out on multiple dates with them just ask them how they really feel. If you are truly serious about finding someone worth your time than it's crucial to figure out how serious they feel about you. I remember when I started dating my boyfriend I told him right of the bat that I wasn't interested in wasting my time. I was was never really into the whole "talking just to talk"and maybe that's why it never worked with some of the guys I dated in the past. When you're not clear with how serious or not serious you want to be with someone, someone in the end always ends up getting hurt.
How ever you decide to go about things with someone, you just have to be straight up with them from the start. It saves a lot of time and you both are in the same page. Learn to communicate.
Foundations:
Now this is the point where I start listing overused and cliché elements that every relationship should have (friendship, respect, loyalty and trust). Yes we've heard them all too much by now. They're pretty redundant and what type of advice column won't fail to mention them? Well I guess it's my turn to have my two cents on what each of these elements mean to me in a relationship.
Let's start with
friendship. The reason I start with friendship is because I truly think this is the backbone and most crucial element to a healthy relationship. Once you have this down everything else (like respect, communication, loyalty and trust) will fall into place.
Now I would be the biggest hypocrite I were to advice you to build a strong friendship with your significant other before you get in a relationship with them. I remember my boyfriend and I only got to know each other a month and a half before he asked me out. Like I said, there is never a right time, so you just have to do it when you feel it. But with that said, what I can advice you to do is be your COMPLETE SELF with them. Be goofy, be loud, be weird, or be serious and uptight. Whatever your personality is, be it. A true friend will never ask you to change and will accept you for who you are. So look for that type of characteristic in your girlfriend/boyfriend. Like a true friend, they will also support you in whatever you decide to do. They'll be there in the good and bad times. They'll be there to see you achieve greatness or to pick up your dirty mess.
The beautiful thing about love is that at the end of the day, all the person really wants is to feel important, wanted, appreciated and cared for. If your boyfriend/girlfriend is able to do that all while being your best friend at the same time, than you my dear are truly winning.
Next on my list is
respect. This element can be traced all the way back to
self-judgment. In order to respect your significant other one must respect oneself first. This is why I said if you get this part down the rest is a little bit less complicated. This can also connect to friendship. Respect has to do with everything and it will lead to a healthy relationship.
It's kind of weird giving advice on respect. Like shouldn't everyone know how to give that to someone? Yes, no? The best way I have tried to go about it by trying to put yourself in someone else's position. Yeah, unfortunately for some of you, being in a relationship means you are no longer the center of the universe and actually have to think about someone else's feelings. Treat them how you would want to be treated. As cliché as that sounds it's honestly the best advice I can give you.
I've overheard and personally witnessed how some couples argue. It really blows my mind to hear some of the things they tell one another. Now I am not saying I'm a saint either, I lose it sometimes and my anger makes me react in ways I wouldn't normally say or do. But I for the most part know my limits and you need to know yours too. Maybe I'm old fashioned when it comes to this but I've always had my mother's advice in the back of my head and I always hear her voice telling me "if your boyfriend is able to call you all the bad names in the book when you're just going out with them, imagine what they are capable of doing once married to them". Maybe don't take it so literal, but the point I am trying to make is: if you are being disrespected already what makes you think they won't continue doing it? Know your worth. Know when it's okay to walk out. Ladies, I'm going to talk to you for a bit just because I see it more in girls than boys. It really breaks my heart to see how some of these boyfriends treat their girlfriends. But it's even sadder to see how the girlfriends never react. I am sorry but I think it's complete bullshit when a girl goes back to their boyfriend once they've been cheated on. I think cheating is the most disrespectful thing someone can do to someone else and themselves. Now everyone is different, and each relationship is complicated and it's their own drama to deal with, I understand, but this is just how I feel.
Respect comes from within and the only way you are going to be treated with respect is if you demand it because you know how you're suppose to be treated.
Self-judgment.
The next thing on my list is
communication. I personally feel this is a topic I feel very knowledgeable on because of personal experience. Communication is SUCH an important element to ones relationship it's truly something that can make it or break it.
I for one, am I person that loves to communicate. In general, when I have a concern, problem, or dilemma with someone I address it right away. And this is no different when it comes to my boyfriend. If I have something to say.. I'll say it. And my boyfriend was not use to that at all. Go figure. He's actually the complete opposite. My boyfriend is not good with words or expressing his feelings (he's getting a lot better at it). This use to be a HUGE problem with us our first year of dating. It's truly an obstacle. How you are suppose to work out your problems if you can't communicate with one another. This leads to guessing...putting words in a person's mouth...feeling like they don't care...or you don't matter...I can go on.
But you have to understand that people have different ways of fixing problems and communicating with one another. Unfortunately, for the most part girls are the ones that are going to push for communication and boys are the ones that are going to drift away from it. Not all the time but I've seen it one to many times. Ladies, if you feel like you can never get a word out of your boyfriend when you want to fix a problem don't think of it as them not caring (it took me a long time to understand this, don't worry). They do. They just don't know what to say.. or how to deal with our raging emotions and hormones. 9 out of 10 times they just need a breather, a little time for themselves (to get their thoughts flowing) and maybe in a couple of hours or the next day they will come to you with their thoughts. Usually when you insist on them sharing their feelings on the spot they'll say something really stupid or mean. Most guys just aren't use to a girl caring so much and if they are a true keeper they'll try to get better at opening up and expressing themselves. And guys don't think a girl is being over dramatic for nothing. There is always a reason, even if the reason doesn't seem like a big deal to you, it's a big deal to them. Don't worry if she comes to you upset and willing to work things out, worry when she no longer cares.
Never be afraid to tell your loved on how you feel. Spend nights thinking about anything and everything. Talk for hours or just talk with your eyes. Communication is something beautiful and only you two will understand the communication you have between one another.
The next element is
loyalty. Now loyalty can connect with respect and honesty in many levels because you need each other hand in hand. A lot of young folks don't know the slightest idea of what it means to be loyal. And I don't mean in a cheating type of way.
So many people are quick to dip if their boyfriend/girlfriend is going through a hard time in their life. That's not being loyal. You know why people say dogs are loyal? Because they'll be there for their owner NO MATTER what. People want the sun but can't stand the rain. In a relationship you need to withstand both weather conditions. A relationship isn't all butterflies and flowers, it gets hard, and complicated and there will be moments when you want to rip their head off, but if you love them, you will stick with them. Once someone breaks that loyalty, you need to be careful.
There is definitely a lot more on my list but the last element I want to talk about is
trust. Not that this isn't an important element, because it's not, it's actually VERY important, I placed it last because if you have friendship, respect, communication, and loyalty you have TRUST with this person. You are able to be yourself so you are able to talk to them abut anything. And they respect you enough to not to anything that will ruin their loyalty with you.
But I know trust is a lot more complicated than that... Sometimes it's not that you don't trust them, but it's because you don't trust the people that are around them. It's perfectly fine to have this mentality, it's human. Unfortunately when you've been cheated on or screwed over you lose faith in your own gender. Bad thoughts turn into unrealistic scenarios, that turn into sleepless nights. But some advice I can give to you is: don't let your past relationships ruin your current relationship. So yeah, your ex really fucked your trust and mentality up. Well your new girl or guy shouldn't get blamed for that. If anything you are letting your ex win by ruining anything good you have now if your life. Let it go and your new chick or boo will be understanding. It's all a work in progress.
I've covered some main points I really wanted to talk about. If you're single don't worry. Focus on yourself and let whatever is meant to happen come to you. And plus, things are better when they're not planned. Work on your self-judgment and good things will come.
And if you are in a relationship than that's great too. I wish you both of you the best! I think we can agree that it's not easy but it's definitely worth it. Love is amazing and it should be enjoyed. And even though I'm still young I love being in a committed relationship. I fell in love with my high school sweet heart. I get to spend the rest of my life with my best friend. Like how is that not great?!
We all have different paths and different stories. I appreciate him because I finally know what it feels like to be treated right. You have to go through some really shitty people to know when you have something good. Don't let it go.. don't let the good ones go (Drake).
Now I have a lot more other things I wanted to talk about but I think this is enough for today.
If you want to read about how to handle arguments with your bf/gf comment below.
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Yours truly,
